He abused me
I once went to visit my grandmother.
I slept there overnight.
My grandmother’s flatmate lived with her.
Grandmother went somewhere and I stayed with him alone.
He started to tell me how he liked young girls.
He sat on me and he groped me.
He also wanted us to go to bed,
but I refused.
Then he undressed me and began to sexually harass me.
I said I didn’t want this.
So I pushed him away so that he’d leave me alone.
But he’s a lot stronger than I am.
When grandmother then asked me why I had run off,
I told her that her flatmate had sexually harassed me.
Grandmother told me not to worry about it; that she would talk to him.
But she didn’t. She didn’t believe me.
So I was upset by this,
that I couldn’t tell anyone
and I couldn’t go to anyone to deal with it.
So it continued
when I went to see her and she wasn’t there.
At first, I was afraid to tell Dad,
because he is sometimes upset and angry.
But in the end I told him.
And Dad spoke with him and he then left me alone.
Then I also had another similar experience.
I went to the computers and I as harassed there by a gypsy.
He said disgusting things: “You’ve got big tits and I’d give you a poke.”
I pretended not to hear him; I ignored him,
because I didn’t know if he would be aggressive towards me.
It’s good to have someone to tell it to
At first, I didn’t tell anyone and I kept it to myself.
Then I went to talk with one assistant,
because I trust her more than some stranger
and I was able to talk to her about it.
I am glad that there are people who can help.
It’s good when you can go over these things with someone
and talk with someone about it
and you don’t have to go through what I did and keep it to yourself.
It helped me that I got advice
about what I should do if it happened again.
That I should either ignore this person or call the police.
I also went to see a psychiatrist,
but I didn’t want to talk to her about it.
Then I was also in a psychiatric ward,
but they wanted me to speak about it in front of a group there and with the other people.
And I said “no,” that I wouldn’t go into it with a group,
that they would spill the beans and I would hear it everywhere.
And I didn’t want that.
Now, I no longer go to see grandmother
and I know what to do if somebody does something similar.
Perhaps I’d call the police.
And perhaps my story will give other people the courage
not to be afraid to tell someone and to deal with it.
I wanted contraception
I started going to see a gynaecologist,
so that I’d know I was healthy.
The assistants recommended it to me.
They also found me a good gynaecologist.
I had a boyfriend, his name was Marek.
Marek winked at me.
He liked the fact that I didn’t shout at him.
And he generally liked how I behaved towards him.
He hated shouting and being ordered about.
And I didn’t so that.
I always preferred to ask him for something.
“Marek, would you please be so kind as to do something for me.”
We went to badminton together,
we did sports together,
we went for walks, to Motol for instance.
After a while, I allowed him,
to touch me; he caressed me,
but then he wanted to give me a kiss on the lips…
…I stopped him from doing that
and I said to him: Do you know, Marek, that if you want to do something with me,
you need something, some protection?
I don’t want to have a child.”
I didn’t want to take the risk that something would happen.
I told him that I would have to go to the gynaecologist,
so he could advise us on what to do next.
I would either go there alone, or we could go together.
So I went there alone,
because it was important to me.
I told him that that
I was now going out with a boy and I asked him,
what I should do so as not to have a child.
He told me that I couldn’t have contraception.
Apparently, I’m now older and it’s not the best thing for me.
So then I asked: “And what can he do about it then?”
He recommended that he should have some protection.
And so I told him that he had to have some protection.
When we saw each other, I said to him:
“You will have to buy something, the doctor says.”
And he said OK.
And he went to buy some protection – a condom.
And he still wanted advice on which he should buy.
So I told him that maybe he should get one with a strawberry flavour.
An experience from the metro
I also have an experience from the metro,
where some bloke tried to touch my breasts,
I could feel his sweaty hand,
so I bent my arm
and pushed his hand away with my elbow.
That’s how I protected myself.
It was very unpleasant for me.
The he left me alone.
I also told my mother about it.
Otherwise, I’ve had no other bad experiences.
Meeting up on the internet
I became acquainted with a person – a man – on the internet.
This man gave me his telephone number and sometimes we chatted on the internet and sometimes we chatted on the telephone.
After about a month and a half, we agreed to meet.
We met at the last station on the metro.
We went to the centre, where we had some lunch.
Afterwards, we went back to my place – a protected apartment, where we chatted.
We had some tea.
Erotic photos
Afterwards, we agreed that there would be sex.
He photographed me naked – he took several photos.
Yes, and then he left me and I stayed at home.
After some time he called me and told me that he had my erotic photos and that he was putting them on Facebook.
I thought that he would keep them for himself.
My erotic photos on Facebook and the consequences
My ex-boyfriend told my parents that I had erotic photos on Facebook.
Because of this I was then grilled by my parents.
They took my laptop off me and I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere – just home and to work.
That man then called me and I told him that we could no longer see each other, that he was bad.
I haven’t seen him since.
Now I know I have to be careful
and that I shouldn’t have meetings with a person
who wants sex from me.
An oncological experience
I would like to share my experience of my daughter with a gynaecologist.
As soon as I began speaking about a check-up with a gynaecologist,
the discussion ended with her saying she wouldn’t let anyone touch her.
Today I know what a big mistake it was
not to make her go to the gynaecologist.
It’s been five years since she told me she had some lumps on her groin.
I immediately took her to the gynaecology department at the hospital in Kyjov.
She didn’t resist because she was afraid.
An 8.5 cm tumour was found on her ovary.
The first operation was within 14 days after outpatient examinations.
The team’s approach was very good;
the senior consultant allowed me to be with my daughter in the hospital.
After the operation, the consultant told me
that it was a malignant tumour.
The results taken from the ovary and other samples were literally shocking.
Everything was malignant, metastasizing.
He immediately booked us an appointment with the Masaryk Memorial Cancer Institute (Žlutý kopec) in Brno.
There the senior consultant decided
that there would be four courses of chemotherapy and then another operation.
We went for the chemo as outpatients
and then there was a second operation.
I went to Brno to see her every day so that she would feel secure.
The results after the operation were promising,
but to be sure another two courses of chemotherapy were prescribed.
Once again, the approach to my daughter and the cooperation with me and the team at the gynaecology department was very good.
We didn’t tell my daughter that she had cancer, but a serious illness.
I also begged that they not say the word cancer in front of her at the hospital.
Perhaps in this way her treatment was also successful, because it spared her any mental torment.
Because she knows that you can die from this disease.
Even though it was sometimes very hard
when she asked if she could die from this serious illness.
It’s now been five years and so far, so good.
Therefore mothers, make sure you get your daughters to go for preventive check-ups.
I was very shy
When I first began getting to know someone,
I was very shy.
I was interested in girls,
but speaking with them was tougher.
At school I had a dozen friends who were girls,
but I didn’t go out with any of them.
It began after I started at Centrum 83.
I was a handsome youth with a nice figure.
They had dancing at the centre.
I still didn’t know any of the people.
First girl
It happened at that moment.
One girl started giving me the eye and
she wanted to dance with me.
While dancing, we told each other our names and where we were from.
That’s where I got to know my first girl, Marta.
I thought that she was the one,
but over time, I discovered,
that I would still have to wait before I found the right girl for me.
It had a few drawbacks.
One of them was a lack of trust.
Marta was upset by the fact
that I spent more time talking to other girls than her.
She would fly off the handle and get hysterical.
For a long time, I put up with her tantrums and insults.
But in the end I’d had enough of that.
And I broke up with Marta.
I gave her the brush-off.
A friend
After a while, I found a friend – Jana.
We began chatting together.
Jana went to the pottery workshop like me.
We had common interests as well as sport.
We went to lunch together and for dinners in restaurants.
Jana was a little bit shy and still hadn’t gone out with anyone.
We said we’d be friends for a while and then we’d see.
We’re still friends today and that’s how it’s remained…
Kamil, 3 December 2015
Note: We have changed the names of the people mentioned above.
Sterilization
I was born in Reykjavík in December 1950.
I am the oldest of my siblings.
I lived with my family until my mother died when I was 19.
I was sterilized when I was 14.
At that time I lived with my parents and siblings.
I didn‘t know about it until I was 27 years old.
At that time I lived at the institution.
When I was growing up
I always felt like I was not any different from my siblings
and I was sad to find out they thought I was different after all.
I was not angry that I couldn’t have children.
I have never wanted to have a child,
but it was so humiliating to be sent to surgery,
lied to and told your appendix was removed.
(Hreinsdóttir, Grétarsson and Stefánsdóttir, 2015)
I just can’t have children – I will never accept this
I was born in Reykjavík in 1960.
I am the youngest of many siblings.
I always lived with my family ‘
and went to a special school
after being bullied in the neighborhood school.
When I was twenty
my sister talked to the doctor
and wanted to have me sterilized.
I was very angry.
I got time of from work
and went to the hospital on my own.
I talked to the nurse
and they called it off.
My sister wanted me to talk to a psychiatrist.
I said why do you not send her to a psychiatrist.
Looks like there is something wrong with her and not me.
This is my body and not yours.
Later I got pregnant
and my family forced me to have an abortion.
I will never get over it.
I will never stop longing for a child.
(Björnsdóttir, 2011).
We’re finally a family
When Lisa and Gunnar had their first child 18 years ago.
The hospital did not trust them to take care of the child.
The nurses kept the child in their office
and they were never unsupervised with the baby.
Finally they were allowed to take care of the child
but had to have a baby monitor with them at all times
and the nurses listened to their every move.
After returning to their home
they were under constant surveillance
but one day a social worker came for an unscheduled visit.
The baby was playing on the floor with age appropriate toys,
Lisa sat by his side knitting
and Gunnar was doing the dishes in the kitchen.
This was a magic moment
because the social worker finally accepted them as a family.
Today Lisa and Gunnar have successfully raised two children,
16 and 18 years old.
There have been obstacles
and they still fear
that their children will be taken away from them.
(Sigurjónsdóttir, 2016)
Staff will arrange our meeting
- Sara and her boyfriend Einar talk on the phone and decide that they want to meet
- Einar clears it with the staff at his group home that Sara can visit
- Einar rings Sara back and confirms the time and date of their meeting
- Sara asks her support staff to arrange for the Transport Services
- The support staff book the car
- The support staff confirm that they have booked the ride
- Sara rings Einar back and confirms the meeting based on the schedule of the Transport Services
- Sara is driven to her boyfriend’s home
- The meeting takes place
- The Transport Services collects Sara at a pre-arranged time whether she is ready or not. Sometimes the transport arrives too early and sometimes too late.
(Björnsdóttir, 2010).
We have stayed together up to this day
I met Jonni in 1990.
I first met him on a winters day
when I slipped on the ice
and fell into his arms.
I have been there ever since.
I am sure we were meant to meet each other on that day
and be together forever.
That was our destiny.
His family is wonderful
and they have supported us from the beginning
and still do.
We got engaged on Jonni‘s birthday.
Jonni bought the rings
and afterwards we went to Jonni‘s mother and told her.
After that we went to his sister’s place.
She gave us champagne and we went out for dinner,
just the two of us.
It was so romantic.
We got married two years later.
(Hreinsdóttir, Grétarsson and Stefánsdóttir, 2015)
Abortion – I don’t want to go through that again
When my best friend died,
I went to a disco
and I got as drunk as a skunk
and I slept with a boy.
And then I found out that I was pregnant.
I told my mother
and she said it was up to me.
I thought about how,
if I kept it,
I would be a single mother.
And nobody would want me as a single mother.
So I told my mother,
that I would get rid of it,
and she told me
that it really was up to me.
In the end, I went for an abortion,
but it took me a year to get over it.
I am really happy that I now have my own children,
but I remember
that he would be 16 today
and I imagine how he would have been.
I always remember his birthday.
I told Honza
that I had had an abortion
and he told me that
I had done the right thing,
that he would not be with me
if I had had a child.
He would simply be afraid of raising someone else’s child.
Not even my father-in-law would want
his son to raise another person’s kid.
So, on the one hand, I’m glad
that I went for an abortion,
but, on the other hand, I really regret it.
Back then, I was simply afraid
that I would never find anyone
and that I also wouldn’t be able to support the child.
The boy I slept with told me
that it was not his child.
And my partner at the time didn’t want me with a child.
So I decided that I didn’t want the child.
But I don’t want to go through that again.
How we got to know each other
I started going out with Mirek after a break-up with another boy.
It was just before Christmas and Mirek really helped me back then.
The other boy promised that he would spend Christmas with me.
I had everything prepared. It was 4 o’clock
and he suddenly upped and left to go to his mother’s.
I was alone on Christmas Eve.
I was balling my eyes out and so I called Mirek.
I asked him if he wanted to come over, that I was home alone.
His father was in hospital at the time,
so I thought
that it could be good for him as well.
We were just friends at the time.
He came over and we had dinner.
He liked it a lot and he praised me for it.
And suddenly I was very sorry
that the boy wasn’t there, but Mirek was.
However, Mirek really helped me a lot
when I was at my most heartbroken.
I also got to know him through a friend
and at first I wasn’t attracted to him; I didn’t give a damn about him.
And then, well, a few months later,
after my boy had left me alone on Christmas Eve, he said:
“So pack your things on the first and I’ll come for you on the second.”
I didn’t believe him too much,
but then he came and the girls from work said to me: .
“Hey, there’s some good-looking guy here. Is he for you?”
And I was like: yeah, yeah.
It was pretty absurd.
I came out of the gatehouse
and it was really him that I saw there.
There was a big truck there, and I asked what was going on.
And he said: Well, Janka, I came for you. Are you already packed?
And I said that I wasn’t; why should I have been packed?
And he said: well, because you’re going with me.
And I said to him: Are you crazy?
And he said: No, I’m not.
How he asked me for my hand in marriage
Well, I was packed within half an hour and we immediately headed off.
And, on 21 May, he asked me for my hand in marriage.
We were in a restaurant and I said:
“Mirek, isn’t it all a bit fast?”
He replied: Why? It’s not.
Well, before he popped the question,
we sat in the restaurant and had dinner.
He asked me. “Janka, do you still like me?”
And I said to him:
“Hey, if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t be sitting here. What’s going on?”
“Well, I’d like to say something to you.”
And I said: “Are you serious? You want to dump me? Have you lost the plot?”
“No, I don’t want to dump you.”
“Then what’s going on?”
I was nervous and my hands were shaking
and I said to myself that I can’t take this anymore.
And he knelt down and I said: “What are you playing at?”
And he asked: “Janka, will you marry me?”
And he gave me a ring.
And I was like: “What?”
“Well, will you marry me?”
And I said: “Well, sure. Yes.”
I said it quite loudly
and people were looking at us, at what was happening, what I was saying.
How we got married and had children
And so we agreed that we would get married on 22 September.
I was a little bit surprised and I said it was all happening quickly.
But he disagreed and said how he was looking forward to us living together.
So we went to the City Hall to arrange the wedding.
I got hold of a wedding dress and some shoes.
And the best part of it all was
that my granddad told me after our wedding night that I was pregnant.
Apparently, I had spent the whole day eating only strawberries… and a cucumber.
So that’s why he thought I was pregnant.
After a few days, I went to the gynaecology clinic
and they told me there that I was in my fifth week.
That was really amazing.
Well, when Tomík was born,
I got a ring.
I got one for Jaroušek as well.
I got a watch for Marťásek.
We were married in 2007
and now we’ll have been together eight years.
Children and child-rearing
The children are eight, four, and two years of age.
Sometimes friends look after the children for us.
Our parents don’t. Mirek unfortunately doesn’t have his parents anymore
and my mother does not look after the children for me.
Sometimes it’s hard raising children,
the kids pull my leg,
because they know that I’m a cool customer.
Just now I flew off the handle,
because Tomík didn’t come back in time from his friend’s.
I was worried about him,
I was afraid that someone might have taken him.
So now he has to stay at home
and he can’t go to his friend’s today.
I told him that I wouldn’t allow it.
They have greater respect for their father.
Sometimes I tell them that I’ll call their dad.
And they say: “Mummy, no. We’re already on our way.”
How I fell in love
When Tomík was born,
everything was super.
My husband worked great.
Jaroušek was born
and we had a crisis.
Afterwards Marťásek was born
and everything was fine.
But I went crazy
and I fell in love with someone else – with Vašek.
I got to know this boy through a friend,
who had become friends with him.
It was a terrible disaster.
I saw only him everywhere.
I thought about it;
that I would move in with him.
Mirek (my husband) wasn’t giving me money
and I had to pay for everything myself.
Unfortunately, at the time he wasn’t straight with me,
because he wanted to surprise me.
He was actually saving the money for something.
But I didn’t know that.
When I found out,
I said to him:
“You’re such a jerk, why didn’t you tell me?”
And he said:
“Well, because I wanted to surprise you
and I didn’t know that you would do such a crappy thing.”
He then bought toy trains with the money.
We have them in the room; he bought it for the boys.
How I wanted a divorce
But, back to falling in love. .
He didn’t give me money.
I was angry at him for this,
and then I fell in love.
And I said to Mirek:
“Hey, I want to get divorced immediately.
I have fallen in love.”
I also told my doctor, my psychiatrist.
And she said to me:
“You’ve lost the plot – with three children,
how do you think you’ll cope.
After all, you won’t be able to manage three children alone.
I’m curious as to how things will look in three months.
Well, then I told her
how it eventually turned out.
Luckily, I then found out
what I was actually getting myself into;
that I was getting into something that was even worse than what I had now
and so I never left Mirek.
A friend told me
not to be stupid and to watch out for myself,
that Vašek didn’t pay rent, not a penny,
that he apparently owed around 250,000 CZK.
How Mirek forgave me and we stayed together
So I went to MIrek and I asked him:
“Hey Mirek, can you forgive me?
I can’t move in with him.
He doesn’t pay rent. He doesn’t pay anything.
I’m also afraid that social services will take the children away because of this.
They are the only thing that are keeping me afloat.”
And he said to me:
“It’s happened. You’re not the only one who’s fallen in love. Let’s forget about it.”
Since then I’ve kept my distance from men.
And we also decided
that we’d always be straight with each other and tell each other everything.
Well, it’s been about a year since that moment
and we haven’t fought at all.
He would like to quarrel, but I don’t.
I tell him that, if he wants to argue,
he should take the tomcat and fight with him.
I won’t go for an abortion again
I wanted to have a family;
I wanted to have children.
But I already had two.
When I was expecting Marťásek,
I didn’t know I was pregnant;
I was already two months gone
when I found out.
I came home crying
and I showed Mirek the ultrasound.
I had two days to think about
whether I’d go for an abortion or not.
And he asked me: “What do you want?”
I told him that I wouldn’t go for an abortion,
that I’d already had one
and I didn’t want to go through that a second time.
So, we decided
that we’d keep the child,
and he convinced me
that it would be a girl.
So I believed him
and I bought a red stroller.
And after a few days I found out
that the baby has a little penis.
So I told Mirek
and he said, well, we’ll try for a fourth.
But I don’t want that.
Three children are enough for me.
Now, I’m careful
I slept with a boy,
but I was scared,
that I could get pregnant,
so I stopped even before it had finished.
Then I took a test
and there was one line on the strip,
so I thought I was pregnant,
but I wasn’t.
Our folks were still going to work,
so they wouldn’t have been able to look after it.
I would have been the second woman in the family
to have had a child.
I couldn’t have looked after the child on my own
and back then my parents couldn’t have either,
so I was happy,
when it turned out in the end that I wasn’t pregnant.
Then I became more careful.
I went to the gynaecology clinic
and I started taking contraception,
because I didn’t want a child.
I wouldn’t know how to look after him.
Getting to know each other
I had a boyfriend,
whom I had got to know in sheltered housing.
He was perfectly healthy.
He worked with bricklayers.
He built new rooms in the sheltered housing.
We became friends from the get-go.
We visited each other twice a month.
Even before we started going out together,
he asked me if I could have children.
I told him
that I couldn’t have children for health reasons.
I expected things to be unpleasant.
I was completely doused in sweat, but he said to me
that it didn’t matter, that he understood.
As of then, we started going out with each other properly.
I liked him – he was happy, cheerful, and funny.
Living together
Once, my parents visited him with me.
They wanted to get to know him and his parents.
And they approved of him.
For a long time – three years – we began living together.
During our time living together I discovered
that he didn’t look after himself too well.
I always had to force him into the bathroom,
so that he’d wash himself properly.
I always had to tell him
that he had to go to work looking smart
if he wanted to have any work.
He didn’t really listen and he began to get really fat – putting on weight.
That was due to the unhealthy (sweet, greasy) food that he ate.
The break-up
Then we started having disagreements..
We didn’t see eye-to-eye on various things, such as the computer.
It bothered him that I was always on the internet
and that I wasn’t helping out with anything.
For my part, I was irked
that he stopped looking after himself and began to be disagreeable.
This went on until one day we had to have a talk.
He told me then that he didn’t feel anything for me.
I was pretty shocked.
On top of this I also had a kidney ailment.
We then split up
and he went to live in another protected apartment.
I have to say that, when he wanted me several times (I know this from the assistants),
I told him via the assistants
that, if something is broken, you can’t stick it back together.
That’s why I’m glad that things are peaceful now
and that I don’t have problems sorting out his affairs.
I regret that he didn’t tell me sooner
that something wasn’t right
and that he only dealt with it when I fell ill.
It was ugly as I was crying because of this
and the illness got worse.
I called my mother and she tried to calm me down,
because she knew that it was bad.
Then it ended once and for all.
Lesson learned
Now, I’m not looking for anyone.
If I were to have another relationship,
I would try not to be on the computer so often.
If I saw that something wasn’t right with the other person,
I would ask him what was going on.
I would respond to him about things that interested him.
If something bothered him, I would deal with it.